Our father, who art in denim,
How does your sizing work these days?
My stomach peeks,
My ankles show,
At Saks as they do at Nieman's.
Give me, for pity's sake, some room to breathe,
And lead me not into acid washing
But deliver me from Eddie Bauer.
Amen.
A crisis occurred the day we flew to Texas earlier this month. Somehow, I ripped a huge gash in the right leg of my favorite jeans during lunch, doing nothing more strenuous than sitting at my computer.
In the short term, this resulted in my dashing off to the Gap instead of working, sweatily buying new khakis so that I wouldn't shame myself in front of my in-laws. In the long term, however, I have had to embark on that most mysterious of journeys: buying NEW JEANS.
Now, some will say I'm a gifted shopper. My own mother swears I can go to any store and find something great on the sale rack. This may well be true. But for me, buying jeans is a terrible nightmare. Honestly, I'd rather buy a bathing suit.
For the last five years, I fell into The Gap to buy their low rise button fly jeans. This worked great until they discontinued that brand in favor of "super low rise, hip hugging, acid washed, specially frayed 'whiskered' etc." jeans.
Furthermore they discontinued their sizing scheme in favor of one that apparently favors people who are "size zero." Who are these people who are size zero? Not anyone I know. We're an obese nation of people surrounded by jeans that are size zero. It's no wonder we're all overeating.
So, for the past two nights, I have gritted my teeth and prepared for the inevitable. Here's what I've learned, in a nutshell:
1. Do not go to Abercrombie and Fitch, ever. You will die of boredom. Their clothes are dull and their staff all look like Josh Hartnett, even the girls. Saved my self respect and left.
2. Fashionistas swear by Earl Jeans. The salesgirl at Saks cautioned me, "they are kind of a difficult fit, unless you have really small legs." I, too, found this to be the case. Saved $120 and left.
3. The French Connection seemed promising, but I ran into the usual problem here--jeans that are too big around my waist and too tight in the legs. AND, of course, too short. Saved my circulation and left. However, for a momentary thrill, I did get to try on something with the puckish label "FCUK." Hiccup or obscenity? You decide.
4. Many companies now make jeans that are striped, strategically faded at the crotch (why?) and randomly faded in big patches. Minimalism is apparently out, embroidery, permanent creases, and weird "washes" are in.
5. In the end, I ended up, of all places, at Express, where I finally found something that approximated the slouchy comfy feel of my old jeans. Long enough. Loose enough to breathe. Indeed, just to be on the safe side, I bought two pairs.
See the shopper's prayer, above.
Posted at March 26, 2002 10:35 PM